Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
