All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
