I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She announced her abortion via fbk
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
