I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I supernannyed him into submission
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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