you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
