He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
