My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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