I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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