listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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