Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize