i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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