woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
