he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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