If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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