I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
