Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he fucked my hip out of place.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
