It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Randomize
