____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
