first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
