so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
