i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
