I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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