Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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