Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
