it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
