Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
