i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
