Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Do vagina's smell?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
