There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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