last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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