I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
even my farts smell like vagina
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
