If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
