Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
