i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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