Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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