Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
