We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize