I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize