Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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