You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
