Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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