She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
