Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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