I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
