My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
i've created a new STD.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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