you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize