tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
