Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
