Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think my fart just growled at me.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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