Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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