Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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