I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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