I am in a vortex of obligation.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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