So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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