Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
