So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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