My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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