i already hear my dad disowning me
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
