Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
