I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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