my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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