I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize